2006-09-17 - 12:16 p.m.

pull me out of the lake

wine rings of pain around my brain.. yet another nightmare kickstart to this day, holding on to the last strings of my sanity to climb out of bed.

last night at fee's, feeling out of place, uninvited and left out in the rain and taken in last minute, like a towel, then forgotten there, left to dry on a turned off heater.

funny how pride and guilt combined make such a sour mix, at the back of your mouth, unswallowable.

yes it is time to go, it has been for a while. i wasted the opportunity of a glorious exit, now i have to be kicked out of the stage for the next play to come on. backdoor.

so they won't miss me, in fact they have missed the whole of me, utterly self-absorbed as they are - understandably so, it's a tough life for everyone, why dwell on someone else's sorrows if it is disturbing your good night's sleep.

ha. yes i am guilty of letting her down once, but it was a subconscious reaction to her not listening to me all the time. would _she_ have run over to save me if _i_ had been broken into? in fact, would i have even bothered to phone, knowing she may not have picked it up at all?

i should have packed in this relationship long ago, or at least stood aloof for a bit and let her come back to me with more genuine interest.

but i didn't, because i was in no frame of mind to leave myself out in the rain (and yes, outside was pure and utter rain) and wait to be taken in. so i forced my way in and became sour and eventually she left me out in the rain after my desperation materialized on a fatal night.

now i am all alone and i have to go to nowhere at all and no-one will ever miss me.

three years down the toilet. flush. repeat at will until the water is clear.