2006-01-22 - 12:20 a.m.

cruel intentions

how do i deal with such trauma.

this is all just too much. of nothing much at all. this is a big, big mess. i don't remember crying that much and even a few teardrops are too much for me.

why?

i have come to numb my brain to the point of not seeing myself, my self, anymore. all this because of this thing i cannot put my finger on. darkness, this thing that has swallowed me up, swallowed me whole. i can't remember how it all started.

but it has to stop. otherwise there won't be much left of me by the time i am 30.

this is all too much work, this is just too much. if i knew what it is, if there was a way to find out why i am what i am then...

the question is, where do i start? how?

i have become someone i know less and less everyday because i let things fly by, fly right past me when i should grab them. so there i am, sitting at the end of the day, sitting there with a broken back i got from being unable to cope properly with obstacles coming my way.

i don't take my own advice. kill the bad weeds before they grow otherwise they'll just eat you alive. kill them any way you can, try any way you can think of or they'll eat you alive.

why do i put on a face, why do i feel the constant need to make up something that will look alright when i know that in the end it won't be, for me?

what is killing me about you (yes, you) is that i have had to drop the mask because you brought me to the point that rang so true to me that i couldn't fake anything anymore.

but at the same time i got so used to wearing that mask (which is a lot more intricate and fragile than the one i wear to others) that i couldn't quite not wear one at all and had to make one up with pieces of the old one and the present and future ones, and in the end it doesn't look like anything at all.

but still you see beauty. and truth. i do believe you still see me. and i see you.

but this is all still a conversation of eyes, still half-spoken, half-heard, mis-heard, underspoken.

do you see the beauty that flaps like wings, do you see the wings of my beauty that flaps through its way through the cocoon of my being?

do you see the truthful way i try and reach beyond myself to become the person that i glimpse inside myself, and which reflection lies in you?

do you see the pain, the strain, the disease is part of both me and you and we may never overcome it separately if we don't face it together? am i so wrong in thinking and feeling that you are the one i need, despite it all? how could i possibly be wrong?

yet how much more can i take? how much more can i pretend to be coping with before it all explodes into hysterical tears and words and deeds i may not recover from? why the hell am i so scared?

why the hell am i always so scared?? putting off and analyzing and testing the waters and running away, if not just looking at the waters and imagining all that's in it and running away. missing out, missing out.

why does it all have to be so cold and careless and cruel when all it could be is understanding.

i am just so lost, i have lost my grip on the situation a long time ago and although i try to control,i just feign control, although i have broken the seal of words i just don't know what to do.

sometimes i wonder how much you're enjoying the situation, like it really turns you on and you don't give a shit about me really. you never ask. you never ask anything about me, i can see sometimes you don't dare maybe but often you don't care i can see it.

that's what breaks me, you just don't give a shit. not enough to go ahead and walk that extra step. you just walk away or walk all over me and it is beyond me to stop you.

you see a reflection of me in you and you run away the way i run away from the waters that scare me so much. i believe it would save me somehow to know the core of you because you deal with everything so beautifully and i know where you are coming from it looks like me, but too much to you maybe.

maybe i am too much for you, in fact i probably am. the way you are too much for me. what the fuck is that all about, i am so angry and desperate at the way things are, no way out at all in the way things are.

a vicious circle that bites every bit of me as i spin, and spin, and spin out of it all again.